Scott Webb (Host): The holidays can be an especially challenging time for people in recovery, and it's important, especially for folks who are in the early stages of recovery, to be mindful of triggers and to do their best to avoid gatherings where consuming alcohol is encouraged. And joining me today to provide some useful tips for staying sober during the holidays is Christopher Rusk.

He's a Licensed Social Worker and Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor and the Manager of the Valley Hospital's Recovery and Wellness Substance Use Treatment Program in Ridgewood, New Jersey.

 Welcome to Conversations Like No Other, presented by Valley Health System in Ridgewood, New Jersey. Our podcast goes beyond broad everyday health topics to discuss very real and very specific subjects impacting men, women, and children. We think you'll enjoy our fresh take. I'm Scott Webb. Christopher, it's so nice to have you here today. We're going to talk about and get some tips from you for staying sober during the holidays, a lot of great information for those in recovery and family and friends. So let's just start there. You know, why are the holidays a tough or maybe risky time for those in recovery?

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Thank you, Scott. It's really great to be here. And these are such important topics. And, I'm really glad you led with that question. The holidays can be difficult for people in recovery, mostly because they bring a combination of emotional, social, and environmental triggers that come with it.

If you think about it, gatherings can often revolve around alcohol. There's a lot of just social norms that can kind of create unspoken pressures, makes abstaining feel awkward or even isolating. You know, in addition to that, things like emotional stress, dealing with maybe unresolved family issues, or even something like grief for what was lost due to substance use, this can really heighten vulnerability and make it easy to feel overwhelmed.

And many people don't anticipate how much the holidays can cause disruption in daily routines. Something like attending recovery meetings or just regular self-care practices, which are so critical in early recovery. Being aware of these risks, this is really what allows you to strategize whether that means like planning a sober friendly celebration, leaning into your support network or practicing grounding techniques, really any of those.

The key is just recognizing that these challenges are normal and manageable with the right tools. You know, as a social worker and as an addictions counselor, yeah, I'd really encourage anyone in recovery, especially early recovery, to anticipate these challenges and have a plan. You know, ask yourself what situations might feel risky for me and how can I protect myself?

And that might mean limiting time at certain events, or as I mentioned, leaning on your support system more than usual. Recovery is really about building resilience, but anytime stressors in general, exceed our current coping skills, we can find ourselves in crisis or primed for a relapse. And part of avoiding that is learning how to navigate these tough moments without losing sight of your goals and what's truly meaningful.

Host: Yeah, it's a great way to get rolling here, as you say, especially folks who are early in recovery, these times can be especially difficult, especially challenging. And just wondering if you have any suggestions on setting boundaries for those toxic family members.

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Whether it's family members that are really sort of challenging or don't get it, or even just people in general, that we find triggering, you know, setting boundaries is, it's almost always important in recovery, and it can be essential during the holidays. You know, things like lingering dysfunctional family dynamics, running into triggering situations, any of these things can pull you into old patterns or create unnecessary stress that can lead to relapse.

You know, a good first step is to be clear with yourself about what you will and won't tolerate. You know, then it's important to communicate those boundaries in a calm, but firm way, whether it's about setting limits with family members drinking in front of you or offering you drinks when they see you at a gathering, or maybe choosing not to attend events when you know it just won't be possible to set limits in recovery.

Host: Right. Yeah.

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Because boundaries aren't about saying no. And I think it's important to point that out. It's really about creating a space where you feel safe. You know, if someone continues to push, it's okay to step away. You don't have to explain yourself and you certainly don't have to engage in conflict. Protecting your sobriety, it's, it's really an act of self-respect. You know, you start by clearly defining what behaviors are unacceptable to you. Communicate those early and calmly, and it could be something as simple as, listen, I'm not drinking anymore, so I'd really appreciate it if you don't offer me drinks when the family's together today.

It's helpful to have a backup plan if things go south. Someone to call, or you're just planning to leave if things get overwhelming. You know, these boundaries are about protecting your peace and wellbeing. They're not about pleasing others.

Host: Yeah. That's such a key point. You know, other folks can do what they like, right? Or as you say, someone might be able to, or choose to attend, you know, a sober sort of gathering, a sober party. But if you're at your family's house and other people are drinking, that's fine. But then just out of respect for me and my sobriety, don't offer me things that you know I shouldn't and can't have, right?

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Yeah, we all know our family and our friends and our social circle the best, and, you know, I think that's also a real good part of having, setting those boundaries is understanding, knowing what to expect and having reasonable expectations. And that's really what goes into making that decision to attend or, you know, is this something that I, that if I show up, I'm almost guaranteed to relapse because I know what's happening.

 It's unlikely that people are all of a sudden going to completely change their temperament, personality patterns, and communications. So really knowing what those are upfront and having a plan and making good choices about what may be sort of high risk and what might be maybe a more manageable risk. I think that's also part of setting those boundaries.

Host: Yeah. Well, let's stay there. Let's talk about risk and what we can do to sort of minimize stress and dangerous exposures, like some of the key risks.

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Anytime we're talking about avoiding triggers or managing the stress, it's just, as we were saying, you really want to take a proactive approach. You know, identify and understand what your triggers are, understanding are you, am I, maybe I'm more vulnerable at large parties, or do I find certain family dynamics draining?

And, once we know what might set us off, it's a lot easier to plan ahead. And, we kind of already talked about this idea of choosing not to attend certain parties. Really, that's the best way to minimize a dangerous exposure is really to kind of eliminate it. And, you know, if we did want to go, something simple like bringing or ordering non alcoholic drinks from a strategic standpoint, have something in your hand.

Keep your hands occupied. It'll feel more natural in the environment. It'll reduce the likelihood that someone will bring you or ask you if you want a drink. Simple tools like deep breathing, stepping outside for a moment of quiet, really anything that can help calm your nervous system when things start to feel overwhelming.

And like, as we mentioned, don't underestimate the power of structure. You know, keeping consistent with recovery meetings, exercise, sleep, all of that creates this sense of stability, even when everything else feels hectic. So, being proactive, if we minimize stress going into a situation, we're going to have a lot less reactivity or volatility in our response to those types of things.

So it's not just about dealing with things in the moment. It's really about, am I monitoring my baseline to make sure that I'm really maximizing my capacity to have a measured and comfortable response? And all of these habits really reinforce the stability that anyone in early recovery has worked so hard to build and provide a real great buffer against stress in general.

Host: Yeah. I know it's interesting that you, you mentioned having something in your hands or bringing something non alcoholic and then keeping it in your hands. I've heard that same advice when it comes to eating and overeating over the holidays, right? That if you just have something in your hands, then folks will be less likely to want to put something in your hands, something that you shouldn't eat or don't want to eat, or you've already had enough stuffing or pumpkin pie, whatever.

Same thing, right, with alcohol. Like, if you've got something that you chose to bring and it's in your hand, that should get them to sort of recognize that and back down, right?

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Yeah, and it just kind of normalizes the whole experience, I think. When you look at everyone standing around with something in their hand and we're standing there with our hands in our pockets or holding them and sort of like that old cliche, like we're standing there in photographs, I don't know what to do with my hands. It just makes things feel more awkward.

Host: Yeah, totally. Wondering, you know, if we've just like we know we have to attend something. It's something that we really shouldn't stay home from, right? Is it best to disclose the history of substance abuse and that disorder before we attend, or do we just kind of go and do our thing and try not to make a bigger thing out of it? What's your recommendation?

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Scott, that's such a great question and it's so important because deciding whether to disclose your recovery status it's a deeply personal choice and it depends on the situation, depends on the people involved. There's really no one size fits all answers. But we can provide some guidelines. And if you think about it, if you're with a group that's supportive, they respect your journey, you know, being open about your recovery, it might even help set some clear expectations for them, build accountability for yourself, it can help others understand your needs. For example, sharing that you're not drinking because you're prioritizing your health, that can encourage others to avoid offering you alcohol or even avoid serving alcohol together, depending on, you know, what the dynamic and relationship is, especially if it's family.

If you're unsure about how people might react, it's perfectly fine to keep that part of your journey private. You can simply say, you know, I'm not drinking tonight or I'm sticking to water or no thanks, I'm good with what I have. Focus should always be on what makes you feel the most comfortable and empowered in protecting your sobriety and to navigate these social situation in a way that really allows you to enjoy the event and feel safe and comfortable.

Host: Yeah. As you say, there's no one size fits all. It's a personal choice, whether to disclose or not. And, it's a choice that all folks in recovery have to make. And again, as you say, wherever they are in that journey, the recovery journey might, you know, that might inform that. But you also mentioned things we could do in the moment, right?

Deep breathing, that kind of thing, but wondering what other kinds of self-care, suggestions you have to stay on track during recovery, during the holidays, which as we're sort of discussing here today, can be challenging,

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Yeah, self-care. I'm glad we brought that term into it because one of the things that we're seeing, you know, certainly in recent years is a real shift from sort of what self-care actually means and just zooming out. When we're physically depleted, we're more vulnerable to emotional stress and cravings and that, that's really sets us up for relapse and just poor decision making in terms of taking care of ourselves in general. You know, when we look at self-care during the holidays and actually in general, it's about being intentional with your time and energy. It's not just about bubble baths or all day relaxation. It's really about making sure that your physical, emotional, and social needs are met.

 If we're running below threshold on some of these, we're not going to be, you know, kind of optimal and it can throw us off balance. And during the holidays, sometimes that looks like sticking to the basics, as we mentioned, but even something as simple as eating regular nourishing meals. We talked about how disruptive the holidays can be, staying hydrated, getting enough sleep, making sure we're moving our body daily, even if it's just for a short walk.

I mean, some of these physical routines, they have a direct impact on our mental and emotional resilience. And, you know, emotionally give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. The holidays can be a mixed bag of joy and grief and that's okay. But I think we do need to, you know, manage our expectations and be prepared for that.

And socially, we want to make an effort to stay connected with our recovery community. You know, attend extra meetings if you need to, or check in with a sponsor or a mentor or counselor or therapist. Holidays are about connection. And that includes connecting to yourself and your support network. And, if you think about it, it's part of it is you want to make space for activities that help you feel fulfilled, engaged or connected.

This could be something as simple as watching a favorite holiday movie or journaling about what you're grateful for or spending time with a trusted friend that, you know, if you're feeling overwhelmed, it's really important to pause. Kind of ask yourself what you need in that moment. Sometimes even five minutes of deep breathing or reflection or a pause or a phone call with someone that you know will help kind of ground us. That can make all the difference and help us reset our mindsets.

Host: Yeah. And as we've talked about, you know, sometimes we may choose to attend certain things and, and avoid other things, but I'm guessing Christopher, then, you know, if we start avoiding triggers and there's just triggers everywhere we look, so we stay home and we avoid all of that, that I'm sure that probably brings in some feelings of isolation. So how do we deal with that?

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Yeah, it's really easy to fall into a strategy of avoidance with a lot of these things. And that's, that's not helpful because, you know, generally what happens is when we retreat to avoid something, it almost kind of gets bigger and can almost make us a little more vulnerable to kind of an anxiety or a withdrawal response like that before.

So, you know, avoiding triggering events is always a smart choice, but it's also natural to feel a sense of loss or isolation when you skip out, especially on like traditional celebrations. It's going to be equally important to replace those with like, positive connection building activities.

We mentioned reaching out to the recovery network, and not everyone has one. Sometimes we build our own, but, you know, many groups, they host specialty holiday meetings or sober celebrations. They're really easy to find online. There's a lot of resources out there. It's a great way to stay connected.

 If you don't have a sober network or it needs to be revitalized or expanded, that doesn't have to be through something formal like, like mutual help networks or formal treatment. A lot of that can be sort of just almost like a found family of people who understand us and are going through something similar that we can relate to and provide that mutual support.

Now's a great time to do it if you're feeling isolated at home. You know, you can also create new traditions for yourself, like hosting sober friendly dinners, planning an outing with like-minded friends. Volunteering, you know, is another excellent option and you don't always think about that when we're in early recovery, because we're so sort of focused on our own things, but something like volunteering, it allows you to give back, you meet new people, you gain a sense of purpose and gratitude. Anything where you're engaging in meaningful activities can really help you combat isolation without risking your progress.

It also reinforces the values of your recovery. I mean, the key is really to just stay engaged in ways that feel affirming, but also safe. It's just hard to step away from that, that sense of well we always used to. Those traditional celebrations and things that have taken place over years, it almost sets a goal of I couldn't possibly miss that or. But I think it's okay to take a knee for a year. Especially if it's something that is that deeply ingrained in traditional, because maybe it's just a year to gather our strength, get ourselves together, work on our resilience, and we'll be right back, in a better place to manage that the following year.

 Missing something for right now doesn't necessarily mean we're going to miss out on it forever, but we do want to replace that with something besides just this isolation and fear reaction, so.

Host: Yeah. I hear what you're saying. As you say, I love that. Take a knee. So if we take a knee this year and we take lots of knees from lots of things, then try to replace those things. And it's interesting, that concept of family, like you were saying, you know, like family doesn't necessarily need to be related by blood.

You know, we can create new families, if you will. Right. And new traditions. And I really kind of love that.

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Yeah, it helps. And there can be a significant, I mentioned it earlier, there could be a real sense of grief and loss for old traditions and the way things were and our expectations. And it's really important to replace that with things that are engaging and fulfilling because otherwise we're just sort of left with this sense of despair and loss and isolation and that is absolutely one of the most fertile grounds for self-medication and falling back into some of that active use.

Host: Yeah, dark places for sure. Wondering how we, as let's say the family members that are hosting these events, can make our homes more welcoming and really help someone in recovery feel safe?

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: With family members, a lot of times, especially in early recovery, you know, it's very common for a lot of people that maybe they'll go into treatment, they'll get some therapy, they'll work with a counselor, they're getting all this education, they're working on themselves, they're growing, they're gaining all this insight.

Family is very often notengaged in that level of change, and so, you can get the situation where someone in early recovery is kind of outpacing or moving past what the existing dynamic was. And it doesn't always align when they go to link up with family. And family members play a crucial role in creating a safe and supportive environment, especially during the holidays.

What's interesting is it usually involves just really small but thoughtful actions. The first step is really to remove any obvious triggers. And I think this is for anyone out there that's hosting someone and interested in having someone for early recovery, because we talked about like, you know, maybe not going, well, this is an option, this is information for the family to kind of create a situation where they can, and, and so we mentioned like keeping alcohol out of the event. Certainly keeping it out of like conspicuous display, and all of these things need to kind of be discussed ahead of time. It's always good to involve whoever's in recovery and just have an open easy conversation about it. Doesn't have to become like a big awkward thing. Even something like serving more non-alcoholic drink options.

It's also important to be mindful of your words as a family member or loved one. One, you know, avoid bringing up the past struggles unless the person in recovery initiates the conversation and definitely steer clear about making jokes or comments about someone's sobriety. You know, instead focus on making them feel valued, feel included.

Small gestures like just checking in privately to see how they're feeling, that can really go a long way in showing that you care and, and planning activities that don't revolve around drinking. Could maybe be playing games, baking together before the event, watching a favorite holiday movie afterwards, just things that are just comfortable and foster that sense of togetherness and connectedness.

And, you know, the most important thing is open communication. Ask your loved one what they need to feel supported and respect their boundaries. And by creating that welcoming space, you're not only helping them enjoy the holiday, but you're actually showing them that their recovery is important to you.

It can be such a game changer when people feel that their family supports what they're doing, even if they may not understand it 100%.

Host: Yeah, I'm sure that's a big part of it. You and I were talking before we got rolling here today, just about education and what a key piece of that this is, right. And why we do things like this, like this podcast. And so, as you say, they may not totally understand, but as long as they are aware, as long as they respect you, as long as they're doing their part, so to speak, and that's where I wanted to go next is those family or friends that don't do their part, you know, the ones that try to sabotage sobriety and, and how do we deal with that?

We talked about sort of the toxic thing earlier. What do we do with those family and friends that are sabotagers, , if you will.

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Yeah, it, it, what's interesting is that happens more often than people would think. And is goes back to what I was saying where, you know, you look at social workers, we look at a lot of systems, we use systems theories. And when you look at the family system, think of it like a mobile, right, that hangs over maybe a crib or something like that.

And it's balanced because everything kind of is on its own weight and its own position. And if all of a sudden you take someone and you radically change that, it can be disruptive to the system. And, again, we talked earlier about how so much about substance use disorder can be counterintuitive.

You know, you'll have family members that are wishing for years, sometimes decades, that their loved one would get sober. And then when they do, it's actually can be this period of transition where things are just so uncomfortable. People really don't know where to put themselves and that can result in some of these unintentional sabotage or things like that, because even before it's like, well, I didn't like it, but at least I kind of knew where I stood.

And, or just, you know, like you mentioned before, some people who were just really not an ally in the recovery process. And so what I'd say is whenever anyone, anyone, undermines your recovery, whether it's intentional or not; it's critical to address it right away. You know, be direct, be calm. For example, you say, listen, I'm in recovery and it's important to me that you respect my decision and not drink.

If they continue to push. It's okay to remove yourself from the situation entirely. You know, these moments can be really challenging, but they also reinforce your commitment to yourself. And when you surround yourself with people who understand and respect your journey, you know, remember that someone else's actions are not a reflection of your worth or progress.

These moments can be challenging, but each time you stand your ground, you're reinforcing your commitment to a healthier, stronger version of yourself. So as uncomfortable as they are, they can represent a lot of progress if we navigate them the right way. And it's so critical in early recovery to sort of pick up those little pebbles of confidence and affirmation that, you know, I can do this.

I am okay. Because active use, it really, it undermines our sense of self. It undermines our sense of ability to kind of have agency over our own choices because there is that compulsive element to it. And being able to collect those little moments and build that evidence to counterweight, some of that negative sense of self or that erosion of self confidence, or guilt and shame. It's so critical and this could be an opportunity. It could be a trigger for relapse, but if it's used properly, it'll really reinforce what we're doing and help us feel more prepared and resilient going forward.

Host: Right. Hopefully this was helpful for listeners, be they the ones in recovery or the family and friends trying to support them. Just want to finish up today. Just any tips you have for maintaining sobriety while socializing, while we're trying to have a good time, while we're trying to enjoy the holidays. How do we do that?

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Scott, I think this question is actually a really good way to just kind of recap a lot of what we've been talking about. You know, navigating social events in recovery, as we said, it's really about preparation. It's about self-awareness. Before the event, decide how long you'll stay. Think about what you'll need to feel comfortable.

We talked about bringing non-alcoholic beverages so you're not tempted or caught off guard or have something to hold on to. And it's helpful to have a trusted friend, that accountability partner, on standby for support, someone you can call or text or even bring with you, if things feel overwhelming. You know, your sobriety at this point, is the foundation for everything else in your life if you're someone in recovery and protecting it is always the right choice.

If you're at an event, focus on connecting with people or connecting with activities that align with your recovery, your goals. You want to focus on elements of the gathering that make you feel connected, engaged without being triggering. Good conversations, games, even just enjoying the holiday atmosphere.

 If things do feel overwhelming, step outside. Find a quiet space to regroup and it's okay to leave early if that's what you need to protect your sobriety. Every successful social event strengthens your confidence and your ability to navigate these situations. And as we close, I want to wish everyone a healthy and happy holiday season.

It can be such a challenging time, but it can also really be a wonderful time to reconnect with people that we maybe have become distant from, and that includes ourselves, and a really, our sense of who we are and how we want to navigate our world. So, thank you so much for having me and for having Valley here.

Host: Yeah, that's all well said, a great conversation today. A lot of food for thought, a lot of things to think about and think about some of my family members who maybe aren't in recovery, but I feel like should be, you know, and, and just how to navigate all of that. Good stuff today. Thank you so much.

Christopher Rusk, LSW, LCADC: Yes, thank you, Scott, so much.

Host: And for more information about recovery and wellness at Valley, please call 201-612-4949 or visit valleyhealth.com/recovery. For direct admission, which is available 24-hours a day, please go to the Valley Hospital Emergency Department at Paramus.

And if you found this podcast helpful, please share on your socials and check out our entire podcast library for topics of interest to you. And thanks for listening to Conversations Like No Other presented by Valley Health System in Ridgewood, New Jersey. For more information on today's topic or to be connected with today's guest, please call 201-291-6090 or email valleypodcast@valleyhealth.com. I'm Scott Webb. Stay well.