Joey Wahler (Host): This is Health Matters Insights from WCH medical experts. Thanks for joining us. I am Joey Wahler. Our guest is David Gibbs, a mental health counselor. Hi there, David. Welcome.

David Gibbs, MA: Thank you. How are you doing today?

Host: Good. Yourself?

David Gibbs, MA: Very well. Thank you.

Host: Excellent. We appreciate the time. So, we're discussing mental health-related relationships. When we discuss love and connection, David, in a nutshell, what's actually happening in the brain and why are these relationship experiences really so powerful when it comes to emotional wellbeing?

David Gibbs, MA: Well, I appreciate that question and you've hit the target with the word connection. What I love to talk about is how the brain is actually doing a lot of work that we are unaware of. We're all familiar with the concept of love is blind, but there's much more going on. So, what's happening is the brain is activating an area of our brain, a certain region of our brain that's called the pleasure-craving center. And it's pumping in a lot of feel-good chemicals that we're mostly familiar with: dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin. And that actually kind of pumps into the brain while also lowering the gears of reason, logic.

So when we talk about love is blind, it truly is actually the brain working at kind of closing down that area where we can make good decision-making. And it's filling up the areas of the brain into that pleasure center and craving center of feel good.

Host: And you mentioned there briefly the fact that it's really a melding of a number of different emotions that are often at play, kind of rolling around in our heads all at once when it comes to relationships, right?

David Gibbs, MA: Yeah. It's hitting right into that actually very primitive part of the brain, which is the pleasure center. So again, the brain is releasing chemicals from the hypothalamus and the pituitary glands to rush in all those feel-good chemicals that we get the warm flush, the pitter-patter of the heart, and all of those things that we've all experienced before.

Host: So obviously, David, some of those things can be wonderful. Some of the best emotional feelings a person can have, I would think. But what happens when things go the other way? Is it that we're overwhelmed? Is it that we're unprepared? What's happening when we can't necessarily process that in the most healthy way?

David Gibbs, MA: Well, I think what happens as we go right back to the brain is we have to remember that when we have that initial connection, it is kind of putting in low gear, that command center, right? So again, going back to the concept of love is blind, oftentimes, again, the initial part of a connection with someone, we're not seeing things very clearly. And so then, as we develop that relationship and we begin to experience maybe some character traits, personality, we begin to see the real with more clarity who the person is that we fell in love with.

Host: Speaking of which, there are people, as you know as well as anyone, that are in a relationship, and yet they sometimes still feel lonely. Why is that?

David Gibbs, MA: Oftentimes, typically, what is going on is there begins to be a lack of authentic connection. This typically can reveal itself when we begin to feel that there's a lack of alignment with our partner or our social circle. And what I typically try to help people understand is think of it like the statement, birds of a feather flock together, those birds are flocking together because they have a common shared goal, an affinity to the purpose and goal of the flock. Oftentimes, when we begin to feel that sense of alone, it is really more that it is that we are losing that authentic connection. And oftentimes, that's really the deeper issue, more than simply being alone or feeling alone.

Host: So, there's a relationship in place, but it's not fulfilling to the fullest, if you will. And as a result, there's a feeling of loneliness.

David Gibbs, MA: Well said. Exactly. So oftentimes, again, it is that distancing or lack of authentic connection that people begin to feel or experience. And that really is where then we begin to get in our own heads and begin the idea of, "I'm alone even in big crowds, in my social circle, with my partner." And it really truly is the fact that it is just that lack of authentic alignment that may have been there initially, but begins to slowly fade away.

Host: Gotcha. You make a great point. It may have been there at one point, but for whatever reason has diminished over time. So, switching gears just a little bit, some people actually are alone in terms of their relationship status. So, how can repeated messages from the outside, from media, from social media, from peers, from family—it can come from a lot of places—how can repeated messages that happiness comes from a great romantic relationship affect mental health and self-worth over time if you're someone that doesn't have that at a particular time?

David Gibbs, MA: That actually is a fantastic question especially in the world today, as you reference, is that we are filled so much this day and age with social media, the thumbs up or the heart. So, we first have to understand that what's happening is that there is a relationship ideology or construct, that tells us early on in our life that relationship or being partnered is the norm.

So oftentimes, those messages are unspoken in families. But through the greater circle of our existence, a message of singlehood might be considered an inferior state. And many can struggle with internalized sense of less than and a conditional self-esteem, meaning my value is connected to a relationship that I should be in.

Host: Absolutely. And along those lines, David, there are those not in a relationship that sometimes think, "If only I had a relationship and a great one, all my problems would go away." How important is it for people like that to realize that unless you're happy with yourself first, your inner self, it's unlikely a relationship is going to emotionally completely fulfill you. Am I right?

David Gibbs, MA: Right. Again, a huge piece to this goes right back to much of what we've talked about today, and that is going back to the constructs or narrative that we exist in a culture, right? It might be in our family dynamic, it could be in media. There's so many messages that bombard us that kind of equate being connected or in a relationship with somebody elevates who I am. And the reality is what we continue to learn is the first place that we have to start is the recognition of self-awareness, self-love, self-acceptance. And understanding that whatever path we decide, we first have to have a grounded sense of self-value and respect of self to be able to move in all our relationships in a healthy way.

Host: So, what does it mean, David, to truly have a healthy relationship with yourself? And what are a few practical ways, tips, you might offer where people can start building that connection, if you will?

David Gibbs, MA: So, I think one of the first things that I try to help people understand is that we want to try to avoid the selfish trap. And what I mean by that is many of us can relate to the message growing up, whether it was from our family or other messengers in our early development, that don't be so selfish or stop being so selfish. This construct or this narrative can create some really negative consequences for people realizing that they should have the ability and should feel comfortable in doing some self-investment, right? Being able to do some self-inventory.

The next powerful step in a healthy awareness is the language we speak to ourselves, right? Many of us have heard, the phrase impeccable word. In neurolinguistics, what we understand is the language that we speak to ourself out loud and in our thoughts have an extremely powerful impact on the way we see ourselves. But more importantly, the way that we see ourselves interacting with the world around us.

So if I am constantly in kind of a shame-based thought process or a sense of failure or inadequacy, we keep feeding that negative beast, and it does more harm than good as it relates to pushing ourselves out there to interact and to see ourselves as a valuable piece to the greater good.

The next powerful step is to remember that our brain is always activating a big part of the things that we experience. So, the language that we speak to ourselves inside our mind and through our words, very, very important to be aware of. The next thing I would say is prioritize good self-care, basically meaning making sure that you are doing all of those things related to getting enough sleep, eating correctly, drinking enough water, exercising, meditating, getting into that attitude of mindfulness for self. And then, also an attitude of curiosity and acceptance is a big piece. But last and finally is be kind to yourself. Just really be able to every day be able to speak words of empowerment or kindness. So, that foundation of internal self-worth will spread to those around you, but you first internalize it.

Host: Great advice indeed. Couple of other things. We've talked of course about loneliness. What are some healthy ways to acknowledge and work through those feelings of loneliness without feeling like something is "wrong" with you since, obviously, it's something that everyone goes through at one time or another.

David Gibbs, MA: I appreciate you asking that question as well. The reality is understanding that being alone doesn't have to be a negative impact or a sense of failure or lacking. We go back to the constructs or societal norm or narrative that says to be alone is not a good thing. When in reality, we often need some time, self-care, to be able to really discover fully who we are.

So, avoiding any feelings of shame by recognizing where you are at the moment is okay. if there is a desire to have change, then shift from passive isolation and move towards intentional active connection. That's a huge piece here. Because the only way change happens is that we first have to recognize that I want something different in my life, but then I have to actively take the steps to bring action to that change. And once we do that, we can be very, very successful. But also remembering in the end, it is about practicing good self-care and compassion.

Host: You led me beautifully there, David, into my last question because, in summary, I'm wondering if someone is joining us right now and feels disconnected in whatever way from someone in a relationship, from the ability to find a relationship, from doing healthy things for themselves. Some of the things you've touched on here, what's one small step, job one, if you will, that they can take right now today to start on the road to supporting their emotional wellbeing?

David Gibbs, MA: The first thing that I would recommend is a phrase, and it is simply love yourself, heal yourself. Spend a moment. Take a moment in your day to just simply state this mantra, "I'm deserving of all of the good things life has to offer. That includes loving myself, loving others, and participating in this amazing day today and celebrating what comes my way."

Host: Yeah, it's been said that to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong friendship, right?

David Gibbs, MA: Very well said. Yes.

Host: I've always liked that adage. Well, folks, we trust you are now more familiar with addressing loneliness and some other feelings while in a relationship or not. David, thanks so much again. I hope we can do it again down the road.

David Gibbs, MA: Thank you, kind sir. I appreciate your time.

Host: Same here. And if this conversation brought up questions or feelings you'd like to talk through, support is of course available. So, please do reach out to Falcon Health Center to schedule an appointment to speak with David Gibbs or another of our mental health providers, the number 419-728-0601.

 I'm Joey Wahler. And thanks so much again for being part of Health Matters, insights from WCH medical experts.