He Loves You, He Loves You Not: Finding the Right Man

Additional Info

• Segment Number: 3
• Audio File: healthy_talk/1513ht3c.mp3
• Featured Speaker: Susan Edelman, MD
• Book Title: Be Your Own Brand of Sexy: A New Sexual Revolution for Women
• Guest Website: Susan Edelman
• Guest Bio: Dr. Susan Edelman is a board-certified psychiatrist and an Adjunct Clinical Associate Professor at Stanford University's Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences. She has a private practice in Palo Alto, California, specializing in women's issues.
  
  After 29 years of listening to women's stories, she realized a dangerous trend—despite advances, women across generations still struggle with having a voice and standing up for themselves. We think it's getting better, but it's not. That same struggle is why they don't get what they want from men. It's painful and in many
  cases it stops them from getting what they want out of life.
  
  Dr. Edelman believes her patients deserve better and women across the world deserve better. That's why she wrote this book. She wants to support the women who will never walk through her office door, yet need a helping hand.
• Transcription: RadioMD Presents: Healthy Talk | Original Air Date: March 25, 2015
  Host: Michael Smith, MD
  
  Healthy Talk with Dr. Michael Smith, MD. And now, here's the country doctor with the city education, Dr. Mike:
  
  DR. MIKE: So, I'm talking with Dr. Susan Edelman. She's a board certified and an adjunct associate professor at Stanford University. She specializes in women's issues. She wrote a book, Be Your Own Brand of Sexy. She has a website for that as well, BeYourOwnBrandOfSexy.com. Dr. Edelman, welcome back to Healthy Talk.
  
  So, we're going to get into this idea of figuring out if a guy is...Again, we're speaking to my listening audience, which is mostly women, but this, actually...I mean, I'm looking at what you're talking about here, Dr. Susan. It applies to me, too.
  
  The question is, "Is he into you?" and we're going over four things that you think are really important. Kind of like a little test to know if this guy is really into you. So, let's go back up into these four. Let's start with the first one and you mentioned about calling for no reason.Why is that important?
  
  DR SUSAN: Well, that's a great question because if he calls you more often than just to ask you out or to confirm your date, then it says he really wants to talk to you and that you're important to him, so that's a good sign.
  
  DR MIKE: Yes, it's not just about sex. It's not just about the date.
  
  DR SUSAN: It's not just, "Oh, we're going to have a date."
  
  DR MIKE: The second one you mentioned. Let's see. That was calling for no reason. What was the second one you had mentioned?
  
  DR SUSAN: Does he want to see you often and it's not just about sex?
  
  DR MIKE: So, that might be a walk in the park. That might just hanging out for coffee. That might be different venues, different things. Not even a formal date, right?
  
  DR SUSAN: Yes. He just wants to talk and enjoy your company. He just wants to be with you.
  
  DR MIKE: Maybe walk dogs?
  
  DR SUSAN: Walking dogs, yes.
  
  DR MIKE: You can tell that's an important one to me, isn't it? (laughter)
  
  DR MIKE: Does he want to see you often? What was the third way we might be able to know if someone is into us?
  
  DR SUSAN: The third way is does he make time for you? So, say he's going on a business trip but he wants to see you before he goes or he wants to talk to you while he's away or he wants to get together when he gets back. It's not just, "Okay, bye." Or some guys don't even mention it, the just show up a few weeks later. "Oh, I've been away."
  
  DR MIKE: Yes, and I know that's not fun for anybody when you think somebody is becoming important in your life, right? And something...They go off on a vacation, a business trip...something in their life is happening and you would think they would share that with you, right? And they don't. That hurts.
  
  DR SUSAN: It can really hurt, yes.
  
  DR MIKE: Then, the fourth one. This one I found really interesting. Does his or her friends know about you? Now, that's...I like this one. Why is that important, Dr. Susan?
  
  DR SUSAN: Well, if he's showing you off to his friends, he's excited about your relationship. So, you might know about this because maybe you meet his friends and they say, "It's great to finally meet you." Or, maybe he just says, he just tells you he's been telling his friends or family about you. So, that means this guy is really into you.
  
  DR MIKE: So, it's kind of like...This fourth one is interesting, isn't it? So, if he is telling his friends about you, that probably means he's doing the other 3, isn't he? He's probably making time for you. He's probably wanting to see you often. He's probably calling you for no reason. So, I really like that fourth one because I think it reflects all those other ones we kind of went over. This test, right?
  
  DR SUSAN: Yes. They go together, don't they?
  
  DR MIKE: Yes, they do.
  
  DR SUSAN: They really do.
  
  DR MIKE: Let's flip this, though. Let's flip this, Dr. Susan. What's a sure fire way for anybody, man or woman, to turn away a potential partner?
  
  DR SUSAN: Oh, that's a really good question. I think that one sure fire way, especially for a woman, is to obsess about a man. Because if you're listeners are spending a lot of time and energy thinking about this guy and wondering how he feels about her and trying to figure out why he's doing what he's going, his listeners could be losing themselves in the relationship and when these women make him the center of their world, they lose themselves in the relationship a bit. How can he connect with you when you're kind of losing who you are?
  
  DR MIKE: Oh, wow. Really good point.
  
  DR SUSAN: It's a really good point for everybody, but especially, I think, women, it can push guys away even more because he's going to feel pressured to make you happy. So, you want to stay focused on what makes you happy outside of the relationship and then he'll feel more comfortable.
  
  DR MIKE: Let's be honest, though, about that, Dr. Susan, because that's not necessarily easy for a woman because a woman is usually more emotionally connected to the other person than a man. I mean, I don't think that's a crazy thing to say. I think women are more about the closeness in a relationship. Men are often about what's outside the relationship; how the relationship looks to the world. So, the fact that the woman might focus on the man, initially, that's...I think that's what most women do, so telling them not to. That's not an easy thing for women to do. I think that it's natural for the woman, maybe, to do that a little bit. So, how can a woman avoid doing that and becoming obsessed?
  
  DR SUSAN: Well, I think...I think it's true that a lot of women get into this and it's a level, you know, to do it a little bit. It's exciting to start dating someone and to be excited about him. I think some of that is just fine. But, what I'm talking about is when women are spending so much time thinking about the guy that they're not able to really focus on their own lives. Like the woman who loses all her friends when she's dating someone new because she's focusing entirely on the man. So, you want to keep your friends. You want to think about the other things that you were doing when you were more single and really focus on what makes you happy outside of the relationship. You know, a lot of women, their friends lose interest in they only show up when they break up with the guy.
  
  DR MIKE: Yes. Yes.
  
  DR SUSAN: And, you want to retain your life.
  
  DR MIKE: So, signs of a good attraction, a healthy attraction, would be things like calling for no reason, seeing you often, if the guy is telling his friends about you. Those are all positive signs. The negative sign for a woman might be, all of a sudden, you're not talking to your own friends and you're so focused on the guy. That might be a sign that you're going to start pushing him away.
  
  DR SUSAN: Exactly. I think it's important to be careful about that and I think the relationship goes better if you have your own life and he doesn't feel like he's all you've got.
  
  DR MIKE: What's your feeling, Dr. Susan, about...because I think this is debated. Is it okay today for the woman to be the pursuer in all of this?
  
  DR SUSAN: That's such a great question. Of course it's okay. The problem becomes whether it's going to backfire on you. So, I think some men want to be the pursuer and they're a little more turned on if they're doing the pursuing. Now, if that's not the kind of guy you want, then it works out just fine. I think the other problem women get into when they're the pursuer, though, is that it's harder to tell if the guy is into you. If you're doing all the calling, how can you tell if he's calling you for no reason because you're the one doing the calling? So, it just makes it a little more complicated to figure out if he's into you, so I think those more old-fashioned ways do make it easier to tell if the guy is into you and sometimes can help you and can help you protect yourself emotionally a little bit better.
  
  DR MIKE: Got you. So, the title of your book, Dr. Susan, is Be Your Own Brand of Sexy. In like 30 seconds, tell me why you chose that title.
  
  DR SUSAN: Well...
  
  DR MIKE: I know. I put you on the spot.
  
  DR SUSAN: It's a great question. I chose the title because I think that for a lot of women, we're doing what we think is expected of us, whether it's by our culture and media messages or by family and friends and the guys we date, but I think that I want to bring women back to doing what's best for us as individuals because I think that's part of the problem with what's going on in younger campuses, too.
  
  DR MIKE: Yes. Let's leave it there, Dr. Susan. We're going to have to leave it there. It's Be Your Own Brand of Sexy. The website is BeYourOwnBrandOfSexy.com. I'm sure the book is available there.
  
  Dr. Susan, thanks for coming on. This is Healthy Talk on RadioMD. I'm Dr. Mike. Stay well.
• Length (mins): 10
• Waiver Received: No
• Host: Mike Smith, MD