Transcription:
Transforming Your Grief: Episode 3

Scott Webb (Host): Many of us turn to spirituality, religion, and rituals to deal with loss and grief. In the part three of our series on transforming our grief, we'll delve further into these concepts with Shannon Radel. She's a hospice social worker and bereavement coordinator at Upland Hills Health in Dodgeville. This is the Inspire Health podcast from Upland Hills Health.

I'm Scott Webb. And Shannon, it's so nice to be back on with you. Let's start here. What role does religion and or spirituality have when it comes to moving through grief? And are there challenges you face when approaching this topic during a typical support group session?

Shannon Radel, MSW, CISW (Guest): Yeah, there are actually. You know, with religion and with faith-based activities or spirituality, it's important to kind of toe the line a little bit. You know, we don't want to exclude anyone's feelings or exclude any practices and we certainly don't want to offend others. And so it is something that we have to be quite careful about.

But when we are talking about grief and how religion or spirituality plays into that, you know, we really want to think about religion as a thing that encompasses a participation in a defined religious activity. So depending as to what denomination you are or what you practice, you know, there might be activities surrounding that, that you may find comfort in or helpful.

But when thinking about spirituality, it's a bit different because with spirituality there aren't any rules to kind of define spirituality. Spirituality is typically based on love and not fear. Oftentimes people think that religion tells you the truth and spirituality lets you discover it. Religion has the tendency to separate us. And the idea of spirituality can unite us actually.

If you think about the difference between karma and punishment, you know, some have said that's kind of how they would compare spirituality and religion. And ultimately with spirituality, if you're really walking your own path, so for example, I am somebody who does go to church, you know, not necessarily as consistently as, you know, I would like to, but that's not really my husband's deal. So he practices his faith or his spirituality by going on hikes, by taking great pictures of outdoor scenery, so like sunsets and lakes and things like that. And so, you know, there's really no right or wrong way again when it comes to finding a way to have an outlet as a pertains to religion and spirituality.

So during the typical group process, I would hand out a spirituality inventory. And this kind of establishes a baseline for the participants, you know, where are they right now with certain things. And again, this inventory may not even apply to them. I don't ask participants to share the inventory unless they want to, but just having a greater insight on how you use or don't use religion or spirituality to cope, that can be helpful, you know, particularly since there are gray areas surrounding these two topics or two subjects in a lot of people's lives.

Scott Webb (Host): Yeah. I think you're so right. There's a lot of gray there and that's okay, right? That's one of the things that I think we've established through these episodes is that people do things in different ways and we all have to sort of find ways that work for us and great distinctions there between religion and spirituality, karma and punishment. Some really cool concepts there. And are there spiritual tools or guidelines to follow if someone wants to utilize their belief system to cope?

Shannon Radel, MSW, CISW (Guest): Because there is no right or wrong way, you know, this isn't an either or situation, but many people do rely on the power of prayer in moments where a higher guidance is needed. So, you know, you could do Bible passages or Bible readings, spiritual readings, those things can help you feel connected to maybe the person that you have lost or even to a higher being. We want to make sure that we have something to fall back on during a bereavement period. And if that happens to be faith-based or spirituality-based, you know, that's okay.

But what I really want to encourage folks to know is that, you know, you have to find what works for you as it pertains to kind of this area that oftentimes gets misconstrued or we have a lot of arguments about maybe at the dinner table.

Other tools that I would encourage participants to explore are meditation and visualization. So the benefits of meditation are plenty. You know, if a person is able to get into a consistent practice, meditation can really long-termly help with reducing migraines, combating insomnia, calming our anxieties and reducing panic attacks, lowering levels of stress hormones. Um, it can ease some depressions, regulates the pulse as well as lower blood pressure.

So if somebody is able to get into that practice, it is something that, um, I would definitely recommend. And I know that it's hard to get on board with the idea of being with your own thoughts for so long while you are meditating or having the ability to let your thoughts go. And if it's something that you are thinking about doing or, you know, are interested in learning more about, there are several apps and programs out there that you can utilize that will help kind of give you that nudge.

A couple of the more popular apps, for example, are the apps Calm and Headspace, but there are so many out there. And people can also find things on YouTube. A lot of these companies will give you free trials or, you know, will let you sign up on a very short-term basis. And a lot of the programs, particularly the app that I use, I can set it or program it so that it will remind me to breathe, will remind me to take time today to meditate or just to observe how I'm feeling. And that can be super helpful because again, when we get going with the speed of life, even though the breathing thing is involuntary, it is important to find time and ways to make that more deliberate to kind of become more present.

The other thing I mentioned was visualization. So this is something that I use when I am struggling to fall asleep at night or if I just want to feel more at peace or more safe. So I visualize, you know, walking on the beach, alongside the ocean. My feet are gently getting hit by the water coming up. It's sunset. I feel safe and warm. I might be walking with my dogs, my husband, just on my own. The point is, is that I feel warm and serene in that moment and that again kind of helps me get out of my own head or out from spiraling from whatever it is I'm thinking about.

Other visualizations that folks may want to use is connecting to nature. So visualizing yourself out in the woods or hiking, visualizing yourself maybe having a conversation with the person that you lost. You know, picturing yourself at your favorite place with them, maybe experiencing grief together. And that may sound a little hokey, but the idea really is to help you lessen the noise and decrease anxiety or similar emotions when you want to pull yourself up from the grief well, as I kind of mentioned last time,

Scott Webb (Host): Yeah. You mentioned walking along the ocean and the sort of cathartic nature of just having your feet, you know, gently being hit by the waves. And one of my happy places where I go to mentally is the beach in Hawaii where my wife and I visited a few years ago. And I tried to go back to that place and remember standing there with my feet in the water and the sun going down and just the warmth. And I tried to take myself back to that place when we talk about, you know, more intentionally breathing and taking those moments, that's a place where I will go mentally. And I think we all have that place. We all probably have a special time, a special place where we can go to breathe, right?

Shannon Radel, MSW, CISW (Guest): Absolutely. And the good thing is that, you know, the power of imagination is incredible. So, you know, even if there isn't a place that we've been before, you know, it's easy to kind of visualize ourselves maybe in Paris or on the moon or wherever that, you know, you may find interesting or calming.

Scott Webb (Host): So Shannon, one of the activities you typically facilitate during a support group is centered around love, gratitude, and forgiveness. So let's talk more about those concepts.

Shannon Radel, MSW, CISW (Guest): You know, the idea of love, gratitude, and forgiveness. I mean, those things by themselves can be very powerful and certainly they're topics that we could probably talk for hours on, but the goal as it pertains to grief and kind of walking with your grief is having a way to connect with maybe your old self or the person that passed away by reminding yourself about love.

So I'll start with love. And what I just want to say is that besides love being an emotion, it's really how we express many of our actions. You know, it can be learned and developed with practice. And so we have to practice love by having loving thoughts, which, you know, you'd think would be easy if we have experienced love in our lives, but oftentimes we can love someone or an animal or something but we don't always think of that thing or person or what have you with love.

And so it's really important to start having a mindset that has loving intentions, you know, filled with compassion and just filled with kindness towards other people or the animal or whatever it may be. So a tool that you could use as writing a letter to your loved one, or maybe there's somebody that you're really struggling with now in the present that you don't need to send the letter, of course, but you could certainly, you know, start jotting things down as a way to connect with them.

So you may want to say something like, you know, "I would like to connect with you. My feelings today include X, Y, and Z." And if they are things that are releasing or healing, love can be transforming of course. And so try to think of it from a viewpoint of not just I loved my husband or I loved my pet, but what did I love about them and why it may help you have insight as to why the grief is so strong at times. You know, it's because we love that person and there's no getting over some of that really heavy love or that really good love that's out there.

Another heavy topic is forgiveness. So the idea of forgiveness doesn't really come easy to many of us, especially if we've been badly hurt and we keep some of these yucky memories, you know, in our hearts. Forgiveness is generally not about other people. It's actually about healing ourselves. So you can forgive someone who doesn't even know that you had a grievance towards them. And so we want to remind listeners that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, but to think about it without negativity seeping into your heart.

There are many benefits to finding a way to forgive others. Some of those can include just having a healthy relationship, greater spiritual and psychological wellbeing, lessening stress and hostility, lowering blood pressure, as well as other chronic diseases or pain and lowering the intake of alcohol or substance abuse.

So I will just say that forgiveness is a powerful tool and it kind of goes along with the spiritual dimension, because in order to forgive other people about the wrongs that they have done, so if you had a grievance towards the person that has passed away and you are hurt by them and you feel guilty by not being able to forgive them, for example, start with forgiving yourself. You know, start with writing a letter or just jotting down some notes about forgiveness.

And again, I talk about a lot about writing letters and writing down kind of these strategies, because oftentimes the act of pen to paper can really get us out of our own mind and out of our own negative space. So prompts that you could review or write down when talking about forgiveness could include things like, "I forgive you for..." "I let go of my pain and I forgive you." "I wish I would have said or done this." "I am sorry for..." "The hardest thing to forgive about our time together is this." You know, so you're writing down how you feel about that person or about, you know, words left unsaid that of course can't be changed now that they've passed away.

But you know, the idea is that-- there's a great quote out there and I don't recall who said it, but it's something like forgiveness is being a prisoner and all along realizing that you were the captor. You know, that might seem a bit high level or hokey, but, you know, we are really the person blocking ourselves from living a life of forgiveness. And I hope that makes sense, because I think that the idea and the concept of forgiveness are very powerful and can really do a lot of good if we allow it.

The last thing I want to talk about is gratitude. So I think we've heard things like having a gratitude journal or having, you know, a planner that has gratitude sayings in it or quotes or what have you. And so, you know, around the holiday season or, you know, any time of year really, you know, it's important to just remind yourself what you were thankful for or what you are grateful for, also recognizing what are the challenges surrounding feeling grateful or expressing your gratitude?

The couple of questions that I typically will ask participants in the group setting is "My greatest challenge related to gratitude is..." "Will I be happier if I am not grateful for fill in the blank?" "Will my life change for the better if I don't express my gratitude?" So moving from complaint to gratitude despite losses is an opportunity to embrace the ability for spiritual growth.

And oftentimes, you know, we can just be thankful for or grateful for the little things. Like I didn't get stuck at a red light today or somebody paid it forward and bought me a coffee at the drive-through or my cat didn't make a mess outside the litter box. I mean, it can be so little, but if you can train your brain how to look at small things that we often overlook as a way to find gratitude in life, it can be a game-changer.

Scott Webb (Host): Shannon, I'd like to shift and talk a little about rituals related to celebrating one's life. I've done some of these myself, the balloons, especially. Uh, what are some of those beneficial rituals you found through your work in dealing with grief.

Shannon Radel, MSW, CISW (Guest): Rituals, there are a sequence of activities that generally involve, you know, words, actions, maybe gestures or objects. And they're typically performed in a sequestered place and usually set to a certain sequence. So the idea of having a wake or a funeral, like that would be in a certain place, and that would be following a set of events or a set of steps to get from beginning to end.

But truly the power of rituals lies in its symbolism. So consider the ritual of graduation, walking across a stage and shaking someone's hand is no big deal as an act in itself, but because we walk all over the place all day long and we might shake people's hands. Now this is a pre-COVID time, of course. You know, so the idea of shaking one's hand when you're maybe introducing yourself or, you know, ending a conversation isn't really a huge deal. But that act takes on a special meaning when it's performed at a graduation, because it symbolizes an important transition. So the same can be said about having a ritual surrounding the loss of a loved one. They're generally something that's symbolic, and they can connect us by doing something meaningful.

Rituals can be comforting. They can express feelings, they can bring a sense of closure or keep an important part of the past alive. When rituals are done to commemorate a loss, they honor both the person who is doing them and the person that they have actually lost. And although most people might think of rituals as something that's formal, really creating something personal can be quite simple.

A couple of those simple rituals that can be done are releasing a balloon at a funeral. So this is something that's kind of been trending over the last couple of years, but it serves as a final act of at a tribute. You can certainly purchase balloons online or purchase them in a store. Um, they make environmentally friendly ones now or the ones that break down when they eventually pop and fall back to the ground. But a lot of them will have quotes on them or different sayings. You can get them customized.

And one of the things I've recently seen a family do is that they will write a message to their loved one, kind of like one last thing that they wanted to say to the person who passed away. As they'd let that balloon go, not only are they hopefully letting go of some of the pain mired around the grief, but also, they are letting go of maybe that last thing that they wanted to say that they didn't get to say.

Other rituals could be setting aside time every day to journal or using that act of writing as a way to tell your loved one how your day was. So typically when we get home from work, we hopefully have someone that we can kind of just give the rundown to, to, you know, just check in or what have you. And you could continue to do that, but just in a journal. And that might again be something that will just help bring solace.

Other things that you can do, and I've mentioned it before, is writing a letter to your loved one. Now you could do this maybe on their birthday or on the anniversary of their loss because it might again just bring you a sense of connection and maybe a sense of peacefulness towards the experience of loss.

Other rituals that people have done is taking time for a creative outlet. You know, so maybe there was something that you used to do that you lost it, such as painting or pottery or woodworking. Or maybe there's something that you want to learn and you can dedicate that new craft to your loved one. So for example, maybe learning how to play an instrument, picking up a second language, learning how to kayak or taking a dance class.

Some of this stuff might sound scary, because if you lost a spouse, then perhaps this is the first time that you would do something on your own or by yourself. But I will say this, that when you have walked through grief, there isn't really anything that you can't handle because you have so much courage and you have, you know, been in such pain, and yet you are walking through that to create a more meaningful life for yourself even after that loss.

Scott Webb (Host): You know, Shannon, it's been so great speaking with you. I always feel a little bit more optimistic, uh, hopeful that things are going to be okay after I speak with you. So I just want to say thanks again, my best to your family. And you stay well.

Shannon Radel, MSW, CISW (Guest): Same to you. Thank you so much, Scott.

Scott Webb (Host): Watch for the next podcast on transforming your grief, search for podcasts at uplandhillshealth.org. And if you found this podcast helpful, please share it on your social channels. This is the Inspire Health podcast from Upland Hills Health. I'm Scott Webb. Stay well.