Transcription:
Transforming Your Grief, Episode 6

Scott Webb (Host): We've all experienced grief and loss, especially over the past year. It's been a comfort during this time to turn to Shannon Radel, a Bereavement Counselor Upland Hills Health. And today we're going to talk about living in the present and strategies for rebuilding our lives toward a better future.

This is the Inspire Health podcast from Upland Hills Health. I'm Scott Webb. So Shannon, it's so great to be back on with you. Great to hear your voice again, it's been a minute since we've worked on our series here. And so I'm glad to be back on with you. And today we're going to talk about dwelling in the past or rather not dwelling in the past.

So let's do that. When we think about not worrying about the future, living in the present moment, these concepts are pretty familiar to most of us, but how do they differ? And maybe can you elaborate and are there some helpful techniques you recommend.

Shannon Radel, MSW, CISW (Guest): Yeah, of course. Well first thank you for having me on today. I really appreciate it. And actually when it comes to transforming your grief and the series that we've been doing and what I would typically facilitate in a support group; there are three principles in living in the present. One of those.

So there's the three principles that I actually want to talk about today are living in the present, rebuilding your world and visualizing the life that you want. So, when people say things like living in the here and the now, oftentimes they might think that we are referring to worrying less or not thinking so far in the future.

But the fact is, when we lose somebody, we're not only losing that physical person, you know, experiencing that physical loss or losing the idea of them, you know, maybe we have future plans or we had expectations down the road. And so, living within the present, there are the three concepts that you just briefly mentioned, which include not dwelling on the past, not worrying about the future and then finding ways to live in that present moment.

So, when we're focusing our attention from grief and loss to considering what life is like without our person, you know, we're able to become hopefully more in touch with not dwelling in the past, not necessarily thinking about, you know, life before loss. And hopefully we can find ways to not worry about the future, because again, that person is no longer with us.

So, in that, we must find ways to kind of pay attention to the right now, finding ways to maybe be mindful. And I know that in the past, in previous podcasts, I have talked about mindfulness and meditation and different ways that we can feel comfortable with sitting with ourselves, allowing our thoughts to kind of come and go and not judge them or judge ourselves.

I want to talk about just a couple of ways that might be helpful for the audience or the listeners to connect them with their inner selves and to find ways to ground themselves when they really are anxious. So, they're thinking about the past or if they're feeling depressed or if they're feeling like overwhelmed, because they're thinking about the future.

So, grounding really just means finding ways to kind of come back to yourself. One of those methods you can do is doing a body scan. So, you know, if I'm feeling overwhelmed in my relationship or at work, or even related to a loss after a loved one, I might feel like I have no control over what is going on around me, over my thoughts, or even kind of how my body feels.

Perhaps it's even difficult for myself to slow my thoughts down. For me, even to be able to find ways to calm down or to self-soothe. By doing a body scan, you would start at the top of your head and you would just scan from head to toe. You want to ask yourself things like, do I feel pressure in my face, maybe around my nasal cavity? Are my upper shoulders or neck, are they tight or am I carrying them high? As I move down, do I feel tightness in my chest? Or maybe I'm short of breath, am I clenching my hands together, or maybe ringing them? How does my gut feel? Do I have an upset stomach? Am I nauseated? Or maybe I have acid reflux and so on. You would essentially just move down from head to toe, but really to become more aware of what is happening to you right now. Another way to ground yourself is to utilize the five senses.

And I do believe we have talked about the five sense scan before, but that one is just again, to live in the moment. If you are feeling really overwhelmed, finding ways to take into consideration, what do I see? What do I smell? What do I physically feel with my hands or body? And what do I hear and taste? The idea of grounding and scanning, you know, those are really ways that we can get through a really difficult moment. And so one of my favorite authors, her name is Janine Ross. And she has said something to the effect of how we spend our days is how we spend our life. She goes on to say this, "ask yourself is what I am doing or thinking right now, bringing me closer to myself or farther away, opening my heart or closing it. You have a choice."

Now I want to encourage listeners that as you look back on, maybe how you spent the last couple months, or weeks or days, or however long it had done since you've lost that person, or you've gone through a traumatic experience. Consider how you have spent those days. And do you wish that those days would have been spent differently? You know, the idea is really just to increase our self-awareness, so we can find better ways to keep ourself company.

Host: Yeah, I see what you mean. And you always have such great tips and suggestions. Want to have you talk to me about rebuilding one's world and what that means exactly. Especially in the context of transforming grief.

Shannon: I'll just say this one last thing about mindfulness or whatever it was that we were just talking about. It is a daily practice. So, I want to encourage listeners and the audience to not beat themselves up or to feel like they're doing something wrong, if this is something that is taking them a bit to kind of get on board with, or to find a way to daily practice because even, even myself, somebody who's aware of all the tactics and tools. I mean, you know, when I'm in a really dark moment, you know, it's still is hard for me to, to find that place. One of the big things I like to focus on is letting those thoughts come and go and not judging ourselves for the thoughts that we're having, you know, because then it, sometimes it can magnify kind of that darkness or that difficult moment.

But as it pertains to rebuilding our world after loss, you know, several things kind of come to mind when we want to look at changing maybe our viewpoint in spite of a negative event. So, there's a world psychiatrist by the name of Victor Frankl. He's the author of a very, popular book called The Man's Search for Meaning.

And he says this, that "when we are no longer able to change our situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." So, we know that of course life can be difficult at times. You know, the last couple of years have been so challenging. We have all gone through so much as it pertains to COVID, as well as just other losses, you know, inflation, the housing market, employment, all of those things.

I mean, it's just been pretty hard these last couple of years. That said, you know, we do have control over how we look at something in our attitude. Now, I don't want to be mistaken for saying that if you have a positive attitude, life will feel better or you'll do better. Or the world will even look that much different, because I know that even in the face of tragedy and loss, having an optimistic outlook, isn't going to change the fact that your heart is broken.

But the idea of rebuilding our world, despite that loss, or despite that darkness is where your attitude can come into play. Because we are transformed by loss, we do have a choice that we can either be transformed or changed in a negative way, or we can take that loss or we can put that darkness and find a way to make ourselves and our situation more better and positive.

Host: Yeah, I can completely connect with this, this idea that we can choose our own attitudes. It's really interesting. And maybe you can explain in the context of someone who is deeply grieving.

Shannon: Grief expert, Robert Niemeyer says this, this resonates with me. So it's why I share. He says that "grieving is the act of affirming or reconstructing a personal world of meaning that has been challenged by loss. It requires us to reconstruct a world that again makes sense, that restores a semblance of meaning and direction and entertaining the probability that your life is forever transformed."

So, I know that, you know, we've discussed that concept of reframing our world. So, by challenging our thoughts, challenging ourselves to look at a situation differently or maybe in a different light. And so when I encourage people to consider the idea of rebuilding your world after loss, you know, consider this, that we can use that loss as a vehicle that guides us as to how we might want to spend the rest of our days after that loss. Keep in mind that even something as devastating as loss can be a catalyst to making a valuable change in our current self and for our future self. It seems to me that most of us spend our lives protecting ourselves from losses or darkness or adversity of things that have already happened.

And so a part of our experience in the human condition is, are some of our losses magnified because maybe we aren't living with an open heart or we have, you know, walls that are closed off or things of that nature. And so these concepts are really great at challenging our self-concept of who we are. And I think who we want to be in the future.

Host: Yeah. And I'm a big fan of visualization. I do that a lot. I like to visualize things and try to gain some clarity about where it is I want to go and who it is I want to be. And those are some principles that I've worked on with my kids and trying to get them not to maybe visualize what their lives can be from social media or pop culture, but what's really inside of them, what's inside their hearts.

And wondering with your expertise, maybe you can share with listeners and with me. So as a dad, you know, how do we do that? How do we visualize the lives that we want?

Shannon: So, the foundation of this final principle, about as it pertains to transforming your grief and visualizing the life you want is, is really built on the idea that no matter where you are in the process of loss or grief or in adversity or darkness; that you too deserve to be happy and you too deserve to be loved.

Many times after we lose a loved one, or we experience something pretty negative in our life, such as maybe losing a job or going through a divorce or another major loss; we think about all the ways that maybe we have contributed to that negative outcome. So, perhaps you think to yourself, I'm the reason as to why this marriage didn't work out or I'm the reason as to why I can't keep a job.

And while I don't know our listeners are all the people that my words may touch someday, I'll say this about myself is I have struggled to feel worthy of happiness and love and time for self care at times. And the truth is we need to all stop looking at those things from the lens of I don't deserve them unless X, Y, and Z occurs and move to this idea of I have an inherent right to love and to be happy and for rest, because I am a worthy human being. For example, and this actually happened to me a couple of weeks ago, the weather is nice on the weekends and so you want to get out there and get all your yard work done before winter comes. And so I wasn't feeling very well to be quite honest, I was coming down with a pretty nasty cold, and I just kept plugging away through this very, very long to do list. You know, I was overwhelmed, but I felt tired and I really should've probably taken a break, but I didn't allow myself to take that break until that list was with completed.

That had nothing to do with the fact that I just wanted to get those chores done, but probably more with the fact that internally and subconsciously, I felt as though I didn't deserve a break until I earned it. And in my mind, earning it meant everything needed to be done. And so that might seem like a really silly example in the face of death and loss.

But I do believe that those feelings of self-worth or lack thereof and feelings of what do I deserve are quite common. And I would imagine that most of us feel that way from time to time. And when I think about the idea of visualizing the life that I want, I want to think about who do I want to be in the future and how do I get there?

I'll share another example from my personal life, and I'll say this, that 2021 has been a really, really difficult year for me. In fact, more difficult than 2020 was. Earlier this spring, my mother-in-law passed away at age 67. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in July, in August, my grandmother passed and actually just last week, my dog who was 12 passed away. These losses have all occurred of course, during COVID or the same kind of period of time, but also during some pretty significant financial issues and health-related concerns, and sadly now experiencing a complicated separation and eventual divorce. So, even as I say these things out loud and share them, it sounds like a lot because it is a lot, you know, but we're all going through a lot. And I will just say this for myself that how I have gotten through those things, is just moment to moment, one step at a time and one day at a time. Now those days, there have been days filled with sadness and tears and anger. Days I didn't want to get out of bed or put on anything besides sweatpants, you know. But giving up and losing hope and just stopping where I am at right now, is not an option. And so my hope for 2022 is that I'm not met with such adversity and hopefully, you know, my heart can experience a little less saddness.

And that would be my hope of course, for all of our listeners as well, you know, whatever people are going through out there. You know, additionally, my hope is that when I think about the future, I can think about a Shannon who feels worthy of love, who feels worry-free and who wants all good things.

So, I ask myself as I'm sure our listeners would ask yourself, how do you get there? I believe the road to the other side is not only my choice, but it's also in my control and that road is keep moving forward. You know, the only way out of all of this is through it all.

Host: I think you're so right. And, you know, just on a personal note, because I've known you a long time, Shannon, I'm so sorry to hear about your losses and the grief and everything you're dealing with. And it's so brave of you really, to be so personal, to be so open. And I'm sure this is really beneficial for me, of course, but also for listeners. This principle, principles, like wishful thinking are things like that just self-fulfilling prophecies? If we're just wishful thinkers, do they just happen for us?

Shannon: I mean, I definitely don't think so. And I think that's, again, why, you know, visualizing where you are and where you want to be, and what does that in-between look like? I mean, that's where you have that control and that you have that choice. I think as it pertains to visualizing the life that you want, you know, you need to find ways to surround yourself with a strong support system or to surround yourself with the things that are going to hold you accountable or keep you on track. So, you know, when you don't feel like moving forward anymore, who's going to be that person or what's going to be that thing that's going to keep making you look towards the end of the tunnel and to hopefully see that light, you know, and again, maybe it is a strong support system, whether it is in person or online. I mean, some of my strongest advocates are folks that I've known or who I knew from college, who don't even live in the Midwest anymore.

And so I talk to them on a daily basis when I'm struggling, you know. Other things that a person can do to kind of keep moving through as it pertains to staying on track, with kind of this visualization is getting lost in a good book or taking up a new hobby, focusing on self-care. You know, my point is to just not give up on finding and becoming that person that you want.

And I will say that when we're focusing on something, even like taking 10 minutes to read a book before you go to bed or a half hour to maybe exercise, you know, those are small moments and times throughout the day that we can choose what we do, and we have control over, you know, how we do it, when we do it, the attitude that we take with it.

And so I think those are all important concepts as it pertains to kind of visualization. And Scott, I appreciate your comments about, you know, being so personable and sharing my story. But I know that a lot of us probably feel alone at times, but none of us are alone. You know, we're all going through really difficult things. And I think that, you know, we could probably find anybody within a very close vicinity to us to share our story with, and they could empathize and synthesize and be that listening ear. And, and I just would encourage listeners to find the courage to be vulnerable and share your story with people that you care about.

Because again, none of us are alone. The last thing I want to leave listeners with today is one of my favorite activities that has really helped me over the years and has been a great value to our support groups that we have facilitated at Upland Hills Health. But it helps people create an opportunity to contemplate where they are and where they want to go.

So, to close today, I would like to read you this activity, and I hope that it does bring you as much comfort and hope as it has brought me and previous participants. It's called The Two Chairs. And I will say and preface with it, if you're driving while listening to this, please do not close your eyes, but feel free to do so of course, if you are at home or in your office. All right, well, imagine yourself a year from now feeling the same way you do in this moment. You have remained angry, unable to forgive, and you're sad all the time. You find yourself in a dark place. And you've not been able to feel better and you feel stuck.

You're always complaining and you're not able to rebuild your world because you've lost hope. Make those emotions stronger, sit with that anger and pain, sit with the darkness and visualize what that might look like and feel like in 365 days from now.

Now shake that out, open your eyes. And if you have an opportunity, if you're in your home or an office and you have another chair that you could stand up and go to, I would encourage you to do that. Now, imagine yourself a year from now, feeling happier, being able to live with meaning and feeling grateful for all that you have in life. See yourself, peaceful, relaxed, and joyful. Feel how great it is to be able to contribute to who I am be with your actions, with your love and with your word. Now make those emotions stronger. See it vividly. What activities are you partaking in? Who are you helping and what kind of love do you have in your life? There's lightness around you. Your soul feels happy and the colors in your mind are bright and bold.

And there's nothing that you can't do when you're in this state. Now listeners, tell me which chair you prefer.

Host: Shannon, it's always a pleasure to have you on and we deal with some heavy stuff. I appreciate your bravery, your honesty today, as you've said, we're all in this together. None of us are really alone, but it does require some times to take off the masks, to strip down a bit and really expose ourselves so that we can speak with people, so that we can get the help that we need, so that we can find that optimism for the future. So, you know, as always great speaking with you, thanks so much, Shannon. And you stay well.

Shannon: Thank you, Scott.

Host: Transforming Your Grief with Shannon Radel is a six part series of podcasts within the Upland Hills Health Inspire Health podcast library. Listen to them all and revisit them on particularly difficult days. You have the ability within yourself to live in the present and rebuild your life toward a better future.

And for more information about Upland Hills Health, go to uplandhillshealth.org. And if you found this podcast helpful, please share it on your social channels. This is the Inspire Health podcast from Upland Hills Health. I'm Scott Webb. Stay well.